Today, as a working medium, I look back at my experiences with addiction, and it always makes me think. A long time ago, I realized that these traumatizing events indirectly opened the door to discovering a passion for spirituality. It only makes sense. I do believe now that this was the work of the divine, granting me what I like to call a “sacred catalyst.” I use that term because I think all practicing mediums have an experience like that, where they connect to the Other Side (or the Spirit world).
Obviously, everyone’s experience looks different. But, for all of us, we end up walking the beautiful, natural path to Spirit communication. For me, my sacred catalyst was this small, quick, but extremely special moment, where my deceased beloved grandfather, for whom I’m named, appeared before me, flashing a simple, common sign of support. That is what I needed in that moment. I didn’t need him tell me anything, and I didn’t need any sort of proof for his presence. I knew in my soul that he was there. He knew he was there, as I believe he chose to be there. And best of all, even my sponsor knew he was there. I didn’t have to convince him, and he didn’t look upon me disparagingly. (I had even more respect and admiration for my sponsor Billy after this moment.) In fact, this intense experience was just one of many more times that we hung out together, and eventually I resumed working on the 12 steps under his guidance.
The 12-step process is an intensely difficult one, as you begin looking inward, reflecting on all of your flaws and past mistakes, not to mention the resentments you harbor. The fourth step was incredibly painful for me. This is the step where you work on, what they deem, a “moral inventory.” Writing up a personal inventory, where you are essentially listing out past mistakes and indignations, was painful for me. Moreover, I arrived at the conclusion that continuing even just the fourth step alone could jeopardize my mental health. The inventory was taking weeks, and I recall feeling myself becoming angrier, more inpatient, I even contemplated relapse.
This, in itself, was also a sign to me that something had to change with my personal recovery program. One day, Billy and I met for coffee in a small cafe in downtown Portland, only a couple blocks from his apartment. Ultimately, I admitted that I wanted to stop working the steps, but that I fully intended to “work” my program. I simply explained to him that my routine was going to look different (very different, in fact!).
You see, in the beginning of my recovery journey, I wasn’t working yet and I was still living with my parents at home. I needed to be there. That was the best place for me at that time in life, and I know that now. Being at home with my parents during the early stages of recovery, I stayed clean. I stopped crossing paths with people connected to the drug world, which had always resulted in relapse in the past. Being at home, I had time to and for myself. I started meditating. In addition, I started researching a variety of spiritual & metaphysical topics online in my free time. I recall being on this perpetual quest to answer all of those grand, existential questions that had seared themselves into my brain over the course of my entire life. For all intents & purposes, I was (and certainly still am) a “truth-seeker.” I wanted to know “the meaing of life.” I wanted to know the meaning of death. I wanted to know about after death. I wanted to know things.
Today, I’ve deduced that there were most likely many reasons that I constantly found myself philosophizing, even at a young age. However, the biggest reason for it is that I believe, now, by posessing some kind of insight into our existence actually made feel worthy enough to exist. There was certainly a sense of self-worth that I sought by asking questions.
And so there it was; that was the beginning of my spiritual journey. I continued attending and supporting AA meetings, but I realized I could do more of an “inventory” by adopting a kind of spiritual inventory. I realized that I could still work on “looking inward” and reflecting on my past, but I would do it through spirituality.
I ended up seeking out various learning opportunities in intuitive development, mediumship, and meditation. Being in southern Maine, I find that there is not a huge spiritual community here, but you definitely have to look for it. And when you don’t have any sort of connections to it in the first place, it can be extremely difficult. I was also feeling very fragile and vulnerable at the same time, having only gotten sober roughly six months prior to that.
I ended up finding exactly what I was looking for online, and I was able to get my spiritual needs that way. I signed up and enrolled in all the classes and workshops I could find, and I ended up getting trained in evidential mediumship and the Akashic Records. To this day, I feel so blessed and thankful just to have crossed paths, even virtually, with some of the world’s most amazing and accomplished mediums and spiritual practitioners.
These opportunities have proven themselves to be such a gift. I am enormously grateful. And I always will be.
Louis Grassi 