It took me years to realize it, but I have been (and still am sometimes) guilty of self-sabotage. This is what I wanted to discuss in this entry. In fact, I wanted to take an objective look at this toxic behavior and identify why we do it. When I first got sober, almost 11 years ago, I finally felt calm and content. However, whenever a family member suggested applying for a promising work opportunity, I would make up some bad reason for not doing it. Most of the time, I’d say that I simply didn’t qualify. I only recently realized that this was a form of self-sabotage.
We can all resonate with feeling frustrated with ourselves, but what is self-sabotage? Self-sabotaging is the act of consciously or unconsciously getting in your way, preventing yourself from achieving your goals, happiness, or personal growth. The self-sabotage definition talks of toxic behavior involving thoughts or patterns that undermine your success, which are often rooted in fear, self-doubt, or unhealed emotional wounds.
Self-sabotage is linked to insecure attachment styles and reflects an inner conflict where part of us resists change, growth, or worthiness. It’s a protective mechanism the mind uses to avoid experiencing failure, rejection, or even success. But ultimately, it limits our potential and keeps us stuck.
Why do we sabotage ourselves?
There are many reasons for self sabotaging. Self-sabotage isn’t just about fear of failure, it’s a reflection of the parts of us that remain unhealed, such as past wounds, fears, and limiting beliefs. People who self sabotage may consciously or unconsciously sabotage the positive parts of their lives.
But what causes self-sabotage? Here are some of the main reasons why we engage in self-sabotaging behavior:
Low self-esteem
This occurs when individuals subconsciously undermine their success, happiness, or growth because they don’t believe they are worthy or capable. People with low self-esteem often feel uncomfortable with the idea of success. They may fear rejection and will often struggle with negative self-talk. This creates a mindset that keeps them from trying new things or putting in their best effort, which then can reinforce feelings of inadequacy.
Avoidance of failure
One of the most common reasons for self-sabotage is to avoid failure. When we worry about failing, we may avoid putting in our full effort or create obstacles for ourselves. This can be conscious or unconscious behavior, which protects our self-esteem because we can blame the failure on something other than our abilities. This is usually an unconscious behavior and is often the result of past experiences, trauma, or negative conditioning.
Difficult childhoods
Difficult childhoods often lead to self-sabotage because early life experiences shape our beliefs, self-worth, coping mechanisms, and emotional patterns. This can culminate in self-esteem issues, a fear of abandonment, and unresolved trauma that affects how you see the world and yourself. People may not even realize that their subconscious actions in adulthood originate from unresolved issues from childhood.
Relationship issues
Relationship issues often trigger our deepest emotional wounds and can bring up insecurities that lead us to undermine our happiness and connection with others. We may experience a fear of rejection, low self-worth, or find it hard to open up emotionally and trust others. We may become overly protective in a relationship or undermine a relationship’s connection and intimacy.
Cognitive dissonance
Self-sabotage often occurs due to cognitive dissonance, which is the discomfort we feel when our actions don’t align with our beliefs or values. We may know that we have an important project to finish but we procrastinate. We might convince ourselves that it’s okay because we work better under pressure, which then leads to last-minute stress. This form of sabotage is subconscious and often driven by beliefs and fears that we aren’t fully aware of.
Fear of the unknown
When we step into unfamiliar territory it can trigger uncertainty, anxiety, and a loss of control. This can feel overwhelming and often our mind wants us to feel safe by avoiding discomfort and keeping us stuck where we are. Here we are consciously or unconsciously self sabotaging, meaning we undermine our efforts so that we can avoid facing uncertain outcomes.
Issues with self-worth
People who struggle with feelings of unworthiness may sabotage their progress because they don’t believe they deserve happiness, success, or love. They may subconsciously find themselves feeling more comfortable in situations that reinforce their negative self-image, even if those situations are unhealthy.
Self-sabotaging behaviors may show up in subtle ways, but their effects can have an impact personally and professionally, and impact well-being. When we recognize the symptoms of self-sabotage, we can begin to understand them more deeply and work towards overcoming them. Here are some common symptoms to look out for:
Refusal to ask for or accept help
When we struggle unnecessarily we can end up missing out on valuable support, and even make things more difficult for ourselves. This is a sign of self sabotage and is often due to pride, a fear of being judged, or the need to appear independent. This can lead to missing out on opportunities and even feeling isolated.
Controlling behavior
When someone tries to control others or situations excessively, it might be a way to avoid facing their own fears or insecurities. When controlling behavior becomes too much, it can lead to stress, frustration, and strained relationships, which will then sabotage a person’s success and well-being.
Setting unachievable goals
When we set goals that are unrealistically high or impossible to achieve, we may justify it by calling ourselves ambitious. But we can end up frustrated, feeling like we’ve failed, and in a cycle of disappointment. Often, this stems from a subconscious fear of success or failure, perfectionism, or a lack of belief in ourselves.
Withdrawing from others
When someone withdraws themselves, it isolates them from support, guidance, and opportunities for personal growth. This form of self-sabotage may be due to fear, insecurity or past negative experiences. It can lead to a decline in well-being as a person separates themselves from meaningful relationships, emotional support and the chance to connect and collaborate with others.
Extreme self-criticism
This type of self-sabotage is often linked to perfectionism. Whilst it’s usual to self-reflect, when we become consumed in constant negativity towards ourselves, this undermines our self-esteem. We become trapped in a negative cycle of self-doubt and failure, which then limits our overall well-being.
Excuses and shifting of blame
When we make excuses and shift blame away from ourselves, we fail to take responsibility for our actions and learn from any mistakes we make. This behavior keeps us from facing any underlying issues that may be holding us back, and we end up in a cycle of avoidance and failure.
Substance abuse
Substance abuse is a sign that a person is self-sabotaging. It often serves as a coping mechanism for deep seated underlying emotional issues or stress. It can manifest as an attempt to escape from pain, anxiety, or feelings of inadequacy, but ultimately it can lead to further issues elsewhere in a person’s life.
Overspending
Overspending is another coping mechanism for deeper emotional issues. The brief sense of happiness or fulfillment that is gained will eventually lead to more negative consequences that can undermine financial stability and overall well-being. This can lead to wider issues with strained relationships, or the constant need for external validation.
As we’ve already discovered, sabotaging our happiness and success creates a significant barrier to living a fulfilling life. Here are some practical tips that will help you to stop self sabotaging:
Learn to be more self-aware
Now that you understand more about self-sabotage, learn to spot how and when it happens. Perhaps you procrastinate on an important task, set unachievable goals, or struggle to ask for help. Recognizing when this happens will help you become more self-aware and make conscious changes.
Create a plan
Creating a clear plan to stop the self-sabotage will prevent overwhelm and help keep you accountable. This structured approach will provide direction, allow you to break things down, and will ultimately reduce the likelihood of self-sabotage.
Make more effort to communicate
Communication helps us to express our thoughts and feelings and helps to build stronger relationships. When we communicate openly and clearly, it can prevent some of the triggers for self-sabotage, such as feeling frustrated, stressed or alone.
Find the root cause of issues
Addressing the underlying issues driving self-sabotage will help you begin to challenge them and make conscious changes. It can be helpful to work with a counselor or therapist to uncover the root cause of the behavior and develop healthier coping strategies.
Set ACHIEVABLE goals
When goals are realistic you are more likely to experience success, which reinforces positivity. To reduce overwhelm, break down tasks into manageable chunks and set smaller deadlines. This approach keeps you focused, organized and provides opportunities to celebrate your successes.
Seek professional help
Sometimes we may be unable to break the cycle of self-sabotage alone. Seeking support from a mental health professional such as a therapist or counselor provides a safe space to explore the underlying causes of self-sabotage. This will also give you access to the tools you need to move forward more positively.
Louis Grassi 