It was exactly ten years ago. I remember being at a Tuesday night Alcoholics Anonymous meeting just one town over from where I currently live. The meeting itself went very well. We read “There is a Solution” from the Blue Book (a kind of unofficial “bible” for Alcoholics Anonymous), and everyone appeared to be touched and inspired by the heartfelt message. To sum it up, “There is a Solution” is read when a person is in the very early stages of recovery. Typically, he would be feeling lost, scared, and desperate. In fact, he would probably use drugs or drink alcohol if he had it around, since he hasn’t developed enough of a foundation around sobriety and recovery in general. You’re at the point in your life where you need to realize that the program could be the only option left. It’s such a beautiful high point in a wonderful book, and everyone was very compelled by it.
At the end of the meeting, I decided to stick around for a few minutes to help put away some folding chairs. One of the group’s doughtier members was this gravelly-voiced older woman named Tessa. I ended up growing to admire her. First off, Tessa’s hair had been so obviously dyed platinum-blonde (even though she looked to be around 70 years old), and her neck, wrists, and all her fingers were laden with gobs of flashy costume jewelry. I think normally this look would strike me as gaudy, but Tessa was so wise and wonderful, that her personality far outweighed some garish pendant around her neck. I found out that she was a very introspective person, as she explained how she would document her experiences with sobriety on a daily basis. I soon found out in talking to her that journaling was a useful coping mechanism for Tessa, and that it was an activity that she prioritized in her life.
Upon finishing up my post-meeting cleanup duties for the week, I engaged in a wonderfully deep conversation with this charming woman. Ultimately, she presented me with the rather brilliant idea to write my own prayers as a way to enhance my spirituality. I thought it was the perfect activity for me immediately. I genuinely have no difficulties when trying to examine my life on paper. I’ve always loved to write. Moreover, I felt like writing my own prayers would be a creative and proactive way to accomplish the overall goal I’d had of praying more. Plus, those basic, wide-ruled notebooks have always been dirt-cheap. I knew this was going to be an easy, inexpensive process!
That evening, upon returning home, I decided to try my hand at writing a prayer. What came out was a general appeal to God to help me to stay sober. I was very apprehensive about long-term recovery in the beginning, so I just couldn’t see myself dealing well with it. For the first month of sobriety, I was constantly setting myself up to fail. In fact, whenever my parents allowed me to use their computer, I would send out hopeless emails to friends with whom I hadn’t spoken in years, begging for a place to stay if I was kicked out of my home.
This is aptly titled The Apprehension Prayer:
God, please watch over me
As I begin yet again.
I pray for mercy,
I pray for wisdom.
I pray to follow God’s will,
Light from light.
He is in everything that I do
And in everything that I am,
One God from one God.
And in my reflection
At any point in time,
I pray to redeem myself,
In all and everything You represent.
This is all I ask, in this moment.
If I must redeem myself,
I will wait here,
I will wait for the olive branch,
Locked in the mouth of a dove.
Light from light,
So I pray for wisdom.
And so it is.
Louis Grassi 